Attila the Pun
Friday, January 21, 2005
Alexander the average

Hey - got a crap movie? Not doing so well in the States (population 280 million) but doing better in the rest of the world (population 5.8 billion)? Need to find an excuse? Easy - blame dumb Americans:

Even before its release in big markets such as the UK, France, Italy, Spain and Australia, the film had made more money in the rest of the world ($US43 million - $A56 million - and counting) than it did in the US ($US33 million and spluttering). Stone blamed Americans' ignorance of, and lack of interest in, ancient history.

Giving Alexander an Irish accent showed Stone's stunning attention to historical fact.

Stone has a point - Variety estimated that the film is on track to make $US100 million outside the US - but that won't count for much at home.

What point does he have? That it has bombed in the US, and will recoup a small amount in the entire rest of the world?

The Oscars will ignore the epic, if only for Colin Farrell's unflattering blond coiffure and for the film's meandering three-hour running time.

Why not because it is crap? Heard of those low budget Lord of the Rings movies? They included some outrageous wigs, and three hour running times, yet pulled a swag of Oscars.

And Stone didn't soft-pedal Alexander's bisexuality either, which won't help in a country that has become more conservative.

Please all nod in agreeance at that statement, one that every educated person knows to be true, right? And why is it that the Oscars are said to ignore the film because of Farrell's wig and its running time, but the movie going public will ignore it because they are a bunch of red neck homophobes?

Face it, the movie sucks, and has bombed. Even the assembled hordes of film critics, who would never pan a movie for bisexual understones, called it a stinker. Try the New York Times:

"Puerile writing, confused plotting and shockingly off-note performances make Oliver Stone's epic film a disappointment"

You will note he didn't say:

"I ain't got much truck with book learnin', nor any faggy stuff, an' I ain' gonna go see no movie that does"

About the only thing the article does get right is the atrocious performance at the box office:

It is currently placed 36th, with a total of $34.2M - being spanked by such films as The Polar Express (a Christmas movies) and the Fat Albert movie. Mushmouth would be pleased.

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